Journal Entry: March 2, 2021
God, I know that I’ve been anxious and cautious…I’ve been sharing with you my thoughts about D leaving for college and how it will all play out. I’ve expressed to you anxieties and fears but yet, I realized today I haven’t been straightforward with you. I am using these phrases: “Where the Lord leads…” and “I’m ok with whatever you want.” “God, you know what’s best for her so I trust you.” Deep in that tiny little corner of my heart, I’ve not been honest with you Lord.
And you know what God’s answer was to me??? That morning, drinking my coffee, spending time with him, He said this to me loud and clear, “You are being so wimpy! Why are you beating around the bush? TELL me what you want for her…I DARE you to ask of me…stop playing safe and take a leap of faith.”
Caught in the act, I shouted, “Of course I’m afraid. If I name it, then that means I want it. If I want it and it doesn’t happen, then that opens the door to disappointment. If I don’t name it, it will be like I never wanted it. So okay, you got me. I’ll name it.” So I wrote down the exact name of the college that I wanted D to attend, keeping in mind her personality, her tendencies, her desires and her comfort level. It was the place that I believed she would thrive the most at and be the happiest, with whatever humble knowledge I’ve acquired these 17 years. So I named it and began to pray fervently for the next 16 days. The Lord gave me a picture of the friend from Luke 11:5-8 that would knock on her neighbor’s door over and over again, until she got what she needed. This friend received because of her SHAMELESS AUDACITY to keep knocking and asking. I became that neighbor with my Abba Father, knocking on the door for 16 days straight.
March 18, 2021
Decision Day….even during my lunch break, I got on my knees and continued to “NAME IT” knowing that I was taking a huge leap of faith. Did I really have SHAMELESS AUDACITY? How much of this SHAMELESS AUDACITY did I really possess deep in my soul? How would I feel if it didn’t happen? In the last few weeks, rejections began to tally closely next to acceptances and there was a big possibility of that. My D even asked, “Mom, why are you anxious? You’re weirding me out. You were not like this for all the other ones at all. What’s wrong with you?” I just smiled. I couldn’t say anything. This was my battle to fight, not even hers.
Later that afternoon……“I GOT IN!!!!!!” We were at the dining table and my journal happened to be next to her elbow as she read her acceptance aloud on her laptop. I screamed so loud, even the dog jumped. Grabbing my journal off the table, I flipped it back to 3/2 and showed her what I wrote. She saw her own name written in black ink in my journal: “God, my prayer is that D will be accepted and go to _____.” Then I shared the rest of my 16 day journey with her as we both shed tears that day. For me, the tears were not for just the acceptance. They were tears of gratitude to God for showing me another life lesson I had yet to learn. He challenged me to name it, because I was afraid of disappointment. He challenged me to not be timid and to BOLDLY ask with SHAMELESS AUDACITY from my own beloved Father. That was my biggest take away. I know that going forward, everytime I choose to “NAME IT,” I may not receive it. I know the infinite wisdom of my Father is beyond my own human understanding. I get it. However, for this time, on this March 18th, I saw a glimpse of how rich, how intimate and strong is my Father’s love for me. That He would choose to show Himself to me in such a personal way touches me to the extent that even today, weeks later, tears are streaming down my face as I’m writing this. Because I have felt the touch of Jesus and I am able to experience what it means to walk with Him, not afraid to bare my soul and the strongest longings of my heart.